I'm one of the most caring, loving, awesome people ever. To myself. When it come to my friends.....Not so much. Sure, I'll DD every night, I'll pick them up when they don't have a ride, I'll pay for them for the club, drinks, dinner, movie, etc.....But do I really care about their feelings? Not always. not to the point where I would call myself a "best" friend to anyone.
Now wait, before any of you who consider me a close friend think I'm saying I don't love you as a friend, that's false. I love you, you, annnnnnnnd you, way over there in the corner. I'll do anything for any of you. Anyone who knows me knows that's how I am. But I'm selfish. I'm inconsiderate. I'm bitchy. I'm depressing to be around. Hell, I tried to kill myself three months ago.
Yep, I really did. After Bo, I thought my life was OVER. Finished. Done. Curtains are closing. I chose to lock myself in my empty apartment surrounded by memories of a lost lover and think of ways to do it. Then the calls started coming. First, my mom. Well, that was to be expected. But then Desi. And Larissa. Hmm, didn't see that last one. Or that first one for that matter.
Now before anyone runs to Desi or Larissa to tell them I don't think they care, shut the fuck up. I know they both care. They love me. God knows why. I'm a psycho half the time. But those two girls love me like a sister. Desi first- Oh Desiree, you have been there since I moved to Oklahoma almost 10 years ago....Wow. A decade of friendship. Two peas in a pod. We grew apart for a while, but we always came right back like a boomerang. I love you so much, you are literally like family to me. I have been waiting for the day we could finally be best friends and MEAN it again.
LariJo- Every time I cried about Bo, everytime I acted like a damn fool, everytime I fell down, you were there to pick me up.....Then you were gone. What happened to us? It's like you're a stranger now. Sure, we hang out on the weekends. But during the week, our friendship is nonexistent. I know you have a new group of people around, but I miss you. I miss picking your drunk ass up because you couldn't drive. I miss spending seven hours dyeing my hair. I miss making fun of you. I miss our Homance. I will ALWAYS be here for you. But come back to me my friend, I miss you. Alot.
Both of these ladies have done alot for me. I have taken advantage of them both before, but from now on with them, with EVERYONE, I will be a better friend. That is my promise to you, whoever you are that is reading this. I love you. I want to take care of you. I want to be there, for YOU.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Why I'm a bitch
I'm a pretty knowledgeable person. When I get asked questions, I answer them to the best of my knowledge, or in some cases, I look things up on the spot. But today, I was asked a question I could not answer, no matter how hard I tried......Until now.
"Why are you such a bitch?"
In reality, no woman wants to be asked this question, whether in a joking manner or even if someone is dead serious. I'm pretty the person with the question meant it as a rhetorical statement, however, I stopped dead in my tracks, eyes wide, and for once in my twenty years, I had absolutely nothing to say. Not one goddamned word. My brain was so taken aback by the question, I couldn't even mutter out so much as an insult to this person.
Now, one who knows me well might ask, "why in the world did you not slap this person square in the face?!" To put it simply, I don't know. But what I do know is I thought all day about this question. Six little words made my whole day about strolling through the crevices of my memories, thinking back as far as I could to why I was a bitch. I have come up with a few explanations. Well, more of a few theories.
1. Daddy issues- No, my dad did not abuse me, he did not beat me, and he didn't talk down to me. He was a loving, caring, amazing dad. I don't know how many times he begged me to go live in South Dakota with him. I never went without food, I always had nice clothes, he always paid his child support on time, called when he said he would. He never missed a birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or Thanksgiving. But that is exactly the problem: I took full advantage of my dad. I never treated him like the amazing father he was. I used him for spiteful fights with my mom and how I told her I would move in with him. He would get his hopes up, then I would go back on me saying it. I forgot his birthday I don't know how many times, I almost never said thank you, and I was a big brat when I went to visit. I never did one damn chore while I was there, I didn't pick up after myself, and I fought constantly with my step-mom. I took and took and took from him, and I never once really appreciated him for anything. That's where treating men badly started.
2. Insecurity- Ah yes, the dreaded self consciousness. Believe it or not, the outspoken person everyone has come to know me as is really a very insecure girl. I was picked on a lot growing up. Especially when I moved to Oklahoma. School was hell coming from South Dakota. I had a funny accent, I was louder than other kids, and I was porky. I mean, lets face it, I am NOT a skinny girl. I never have been. To hide my insecurities, I have become a loud, goofy, joke cracking, nonsense loving woman. But it's never REALLY overshadowed my true self. Inside, I'm actually very serious. I don't laugh much, I have a hot temper, and I hate being smart. HA, never thought you'd hear that huh? But it is very much true. I hate being intelligent. People have always assumed I'm an idiot because of m goofy exterior, so when I do try to portray my intelligence, I get teased. Truth is, I cry. A lot. My feelings get hurt pretty easily. My past relationships haven't helped much with any of this either. Which brings me to my nest theory.....
3. My exes (Will and Bo)- You who know me knew that was coming right? But not in the way you thought. We'll start with William. Oh Will, such a funny guy. Smart, sweet, and caring. But as I mentioned in my first theory, I have a habit of not appreciating men. Want to know what happens when you stop appreciating them? Yep, you got it, they stop appreciating you. I would flirt with other guys, yell at him, lie, yell a little more. He never did anything right, so I treated him like. I remember the first time he cheated on me, I thought to myself, "Wow, well that's what you get, huh bitch?" But did I tell him that? Oh, of course not. I made him feel like dirt. Called him worthless, a piece of shit, etc etc. I kept treating him bad, so of course I knew things would only get worse. I eventually up and left him one day for Bo....Which starts our story for Mr. Vernon Patrick " Bo" Coleman. I met Bo and I thought he hung the fucking moon. and the stars. and the whole damned universe. But, anyone who knows me knows that Bo wasn't the only one around right after Will. I was still flirting with guys, texting other guys, and no, I honestly can't tell you why. Bo found out, all hell broke loose. It was never the same after about 6 months into our relationship, but we fought through it, literally and figuratively. I watched him turn from a funny, caring, sweet, strong man to a bitter, hateful, even abusive boy. I remember the first time he put hands on me, I kept thinking, "what did I do to deserve this?" Now granted, I never EVER deserved him putting hands on me. But I did deserve the bitterness he held towards me. For everything we went through. Then when I finally saw the light, after we got engaged, the fighting had died down, I thought we were okay. Then he cheated. I honestly thought I was dying for the next two weeks following that. I watched the man I loved, who I was supposed to start a life with, pack his things, and walk out the door without one damn tear in his eye. When I asked him about it, he flat out said, "You don't love me. You don't even love yourself Amber."
He was right. How can you expect ANYONE, whether it be friends, family, or a soulmate, to love YOU when you don't even love you? A lot has changed over the past few months. I've cried, I've laughed, and I've sat down and thought long and hard about myself. What I could have done different with my exes, what I could have done different with my family, what I could have done different with me.
Know what I realized? You can't change those things. Unfortunately, Life does not come with an eraser. What we have done is set in stone, there is no way to change it. You can cry about it, dwell on it, be mad about it, but guess what? It's not going to change. I can hate the fact that I played the hell out of the man I wanted to marry, I can hate the fact that I treated an amazing guy who was my best friend like shit, and I can even hate the fact that I was never there for the man who MADE me, whose blood flows through my veins. But I can't change those things. Fortunately, I can make myself better for the future and for anyone who is a part of it.
So to answer that question:
I am a bitch because I couldn't learn to treat people well until it was too late. I am a bitch becaus eI made poor choices against people who loved me.
I am a bitch because I made myself that way.
"Why are you such a bitch?"
In reality, no woman wants to be asked this question, whether in a joking manner or even if someone is dead serious. I'm pretty the person with the question meant it as a rhetorical statement, however, I stopped dead in my tracks, eyes wide, and for once in my twenty years, I had absolutely nothing to say. Not one goddamned word. My brain was so taken aback by the question, I couldn't even mutter out so much as an insult to this person.
Now, one who knows me well might ask, "why in the world did you not slap this person square in the face?!" To put it simply, I don't know. But what I do know is I thought all day about this question. Six little words made my whole day about strolling through the crevices of my memories, thinking back as far as I could to why I was a bitch. I have come up with a few explanations. Well, more of a few theories.
1. Daddy issues- No, my dad did not abuse me, he did not beat me, and he didn't talk down to me. He was a loving, caring, amazing dad. I don't know how many times he begged me to go live in South Dakota with him. I never went without food, I always had nice clothes, he always paid his child support on time, called when he said he would. He never missed a birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or Thanksgiving. But that is exactly the problem: I took full advantage of my dad. I never treated him like the amazing father he was. I used him for spiteful fights with my mom and how I told her I would move in with him. He would get his hopes up, then I would go back on me saying it. I forgot his birthday I don't know how many times, I almost never said thank you, and I was a big brat when I went to visit. I never did one damn chore while I was there, I didn't pick up after myself, and I fought constantly with my step-mom. I took and took and took from him, and I never once really appreciated him for anything. That's where treating men badly started.
2. Insecurity- Ah yes, the dreaded self consciousness. Believe it or not, the outspoken person everyone has come to know me as is really a very insecure girl. I was picked on a lot growing up. Especially when I moved to Oklahoma. School was hell coming from South Dakota. I had a funny accent, I was louder than other kids, and I was porky. I mean, lets face it, I am NOT a skinny girl. I never have been. To hide my insecurities, I have become a loud, goofy, joke cracking, nonsense loving woman. But it's never REALLY overshadowed my true self. Inside, I'm actually very serious. I don't laugh much, I have a hot temper, and I hate being smart. HA, never thought you'd hear that huh? But it is very much true. I hate being intelligent. People have always assumed I'm an idiot because of m goofy exterior, so when I do try to portray my intelligence, I get teased. Truth is, I cry. A lot. My feelings get hurt pretty easily. My past relationships haven't helped much with any of this either. Which brings me to my nest theory.....
3. My exes (Will and Bo)- You who know me knew that was coming right? But not in the way you thought. We'll start with William. Oh Will, such a funny guy. Smart, sweet, and caring. But as I mentioned in my first theory, I have a habit of not appreciating men. Want to know what happens when you stop appreciating them? Yep, you got it, they stop appreciating you. I would flirt with other guys, yell at him, lie, yell a little more. He never did anything right, so I treated him like. I remember the first time he cheated on me, I thought to myself, "Wow, well that's what you get, huh bitch?" But did I tell him that? Oh, of course not. I made him feel like dirt. Called him worthless, a piece of shit, etc etc. I kept treating him bad, so of course I knew things would only get worse. I eventually up and left him one day for Bo....Which starts our story for Mr. Vernon Patrick " Bo" Coleman. I met Bo and I thought he hung the fucking moon. and the stars. and the whole damned universe. But, anyone who knows me knows that Bo wasn't the only one around right after Will. I was still flirting with guys, texting other guys, and no, I honestly can't tell you why. Bo found out, all hell broke loose. It was never the same after about 6 months into our relationship, but we fought through it, literally and figuratively. I watched him turn from a funny, caring, sweet, strong man to a bitter, hateful, even abusive boy. I remember the first time he put hands on me, I kept thinking, "what did I do to deserve this?" Now granted, I never EVER deserved him putting hands on me. But I did deserve the bitterness he held towards me. For everything we went through. Then when I finally saw the light, after we got engaged, the fighting had died down, I thought we were okay. Then he cheated. I honestly thought I was dying for the next two weeks following that. I watched the man I loved, who I was supposed to start a life with, pack his things, and walk out the door without one damn tear in his eye. When I asked him about it, he flat out said, "You don't love me. You don't even love yourself Amber."
He was right. How can you expect ANYONE, whether it be friends, family, or a soulmate, to love YOU when you don't even love you? A lot has changed over the past few months. I've cried, I've laughed, and I've sat down and thought long and hard about myself. What I could have done different with my exes, what I could have done different with my family, what I could have done different with me.
Know what I realized? You can't change those things. Unfortunately, Life does not come with an eraser. What we have done is set in stone, there is no way to change it. You can cry about it, dwell on it, be mad about it, but guess what? It's not going to change. I can hate the fact that I played the hell out of the man I wanted to marry, I can hate the fact that I treated an amazing guy who was my best friend like shit, and I can even hate the fact that I was never there for the man who MADE me, whose blood flows through my veins. But I can't change those things. Fortunately, I can make myself better for the future and for anyone who is a part of it.
So to answer that question:
I am a bitch because I couldn't learn to treat people well until it was too late. I am a bitch becaus eI made poor choices against people who loved me.
I am a bitch because I made myself that way.
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